Bear in Mind - Forgive and Forget

It is February, and the logical topic for this month is relationships, love, and blah-dee-blah.  I will write on relationships, but not this month.  I figured everyone is bombarded with that subject during February, since everywhere you turn things are pink, red, and/or heart-shaped.

In a society where “I’ll sue you!” seems to be a proper phrase, I knew eventually I would be doing a Bear in Mind on…

Forgive and Forget 

It’s a well-known (and readily used) phrase, but I’m unsure as to whether people truly understand the meaning of it.

Let’s take the phrase apart, starting with “forgive”.  Seems like an easy word to figure out, right?  Not necessarily.  Usually, when people think of forgiveness, they think of reconciliation and/or pardoning. Although forgiveness is a part of reconciliation, reconciliation is not always a part of forgiveness.  If someone has hurt you, you can forgive them without ever letting them know you did.  You don’t have to talk to them about it…they don’t even have to be alive.  However, in order for you to live without resentment and anger, you have to forgive them.  Okay, the next thing about the word is even more misunderstood, so read slowly.  Forgiving someone is not saying that what they did was okay.  It is saying that the hurt (and the person who hurt you) no longer controls you and your life…it is letting go of resentment…it is getting on with your life.  If there is an area of hurt in your past that stays with you, you have to forgive the person so that they will no longer have a hold on you. God forgives us all the time, but He’s not saying what we did is okay with him. 

For more painful hurts (like abuses), a therapist is usually needed to help people forgive, and that’s okay.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak.  It means that it was a serious hurt and needs some additional help putting it in the past and getting on with life. 

Let’s move onto “forget”.  I’ve heard over and over “I can forgive, but I can’t forget”.  That phrase immediately tells me that they don’t understand what it is they are supposed to do.  They are thinking too concretely.  Of course we can’t forget the incident(s).  Our brains are too efficient to forget major life traumas.  So what does it mean?  It means stop talking about it, dwelling on it, bringing it up in arguments or conversations, etc.  In short, put it in the past where it belongs. 

So when you put the two words together, they make a great deal of sense.  Forgive & Forget.  Give up anger/resentment & put it in the past.  Much more feasible when you phrase it that way, isn’t it? 

As always, call me if you need me.
And never, ever try to put socks on a tiger.  J

Rindala
ex. 7252